Tension to Transformation
When Both Sides Are True, What Do You Do?
You want to say yes… But your body says no. You believe in fairness… But you’re tired of giving in. You long for change… But fear the cost. You like the person… But you want certain things to change.
We live in a world of opposites: ambition and rest, structure and spontaneity, discipline and empathy. Inside us, too, these forces play tug-of-war. The real art of self-leadership, and of living well, is learning how to hold tension without collapse or full blown-conflict.
This is the practice of Inner Polarity Management.
I am providing a simple practice and an audio for you to try. It’s one of three different ways I coach my clients to shift from polarity to possibility: cognitive, energetic, and reflective.
Inner Conflict Drains Your Energy
We often mistake internal conflict as something to fix. But what if that tension is the fuel for transformation?
In a coaching session with a leader managing a fast-growing team, he reflected on a moment where half his team resisted a purchase due to current cost constraints, while he saw it as a necessary long-term investment.
“They’re not wrong,” he admitted, “but I know what this decision unlocks.”
So we practiced holding the ‘yes’ and the ‘no’ together, without rushing to resolution.
What followed wasn’t clarity from logic, but from a visceral shift in his nervous system.
He stopped gripping the argument. He started seeing new pathways.
This was the energy released from the tension.
Science Behind the Practice
Cognitive Dissonance + Integration
Psychologist Leon Festinger coined cognitive dissonance to describe the discomfort of holding two conflicting beliefs. Traditionally, people reduce this dissonance by choosing one side. But recent research suggests that greater cognitive complexity leads to higher emotional intelligence and leadership effectiveness. Harvard’s Robert Kegan calls this “subject-object transformation”—when we stop being subject to our inner conflict and instead hold it as an object for reflection. In this space, integration—not resolution—is the goal.
Polyvagal Theory + Emotional Safety
When we feel inner conflict, our nervous system often reacts with stress: shallow breath, racing thoughts, muscle tension. Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory shows that co-regulation and safety begin with self-awareness and embodied presence. This Polarity Practice lowers nervous system arousal by activating the ventral vagal state, a physiological state of calm alertness, which makes complexity feel less threatening and more creative.
Neuroleadership + Creative Insight
The NeuroLeadership Institute reports that insight often arises during periods of “psychological spaciousness.” When we stop trying to force an answer and instead observe both opposites, the brain integrates them into something new, what researcher David Rock calls “quiet signals becoming loud.”
Traditions Across Cultures
This isn’t new. Across time and cultures, humans have been learning how to hold tension as a path to wholeness.
Taoism: The Yin-Yang symbol reflects that within light is darkness, and within darkness is light. Harmony comes from balancing, not eliminating.
Yoga Philosophy: Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras teaches that postures (and life) must hold both effort and ease.
Jungian Psychology: Carl Jung emphasized “holding the tension of opposites” as a gateway to individuation: becoming your whole self.
Ubuntu Wisdom (Southern Africa): Conflict is not about winners and losers, but about restoring relationship. Tension is a collective responsibility, not a personal failure.
Indigenous Traditions: Many tribal cultures see conflict as a sacred energy, asking “What medicine is this tension offering?” before seeking resolution.
DIY Practice
Set aside 10 minutes. Sit somewhere quiet.
Bring to mind a situation where you feel stuck or pulled in two directions.
Ask yourself:
What is the YES here? What’s the truth or reality I can’t change?
What is the NO here? What’s the desire, fear, or resistance inside me?
Now—hold both in awareness. Don’t solve. Don’t collapse. Just breathe, observe, and listen.
Let your nervous system settle. Let the energy of conflict become the energy of insight.
Over time, you’ll find that wisdom doesn’t come from choosing sides.
It comes from learning to stay present while allowing both to be held in that presence.
This Practice Changes Leaders
In leadership, especially for those transitioning from individual contributor to manager, polarity is everywhere:
Do I focus on relationships or results?
Do I delegate or do it myself?
Do I push forward or pause to reflect?
Do I act friendly or drive accountability?
When you practice holding tension without collapse, you move from reactivity to creativity. You stop needing certainty, and start acting from inner clarity.